If you’re anything like the Herald’s readers, you’ve spent most of the last week weeping about Labour’s fuel tax. Hayden Donnell provides some good reasons to rein in your grief. Labour has announced it will raise taxes on fuel in Auckland by roughly 10c a litre, and everyone is freaking out. People are screaming that … Read more
Enough of the objective electoral examinations and commitments to creating a better country in spite of the Government. It’s time for irresponsible anger and finger-pointing, observes Hayden Donnell. There’s been a lot of sober, informative analysis following Saturday’s election. Spinoff public transport tsar Simon Wilson explained the things we learned from the vote, and the … Read more
Finally, an election column we can all agree with! Hayden Donnell argues the election sucks now and is driving us all to the brink of madness and beyond. Most election columns are biased or sensational. They’re tainted by people’s political preferences or psychosexual need to be at the centre of electoral drama. The supply of … Read more
Three years ago, National was landed in hot water over the music used in a campaign ad. Surely it wouldn’t risk any kind of repeat? Surely. Or would it? Hayden Donnell jumps down the rabbit hole. The last time National released a campaign ad, it ended up in court. Lawyers for Eminem accused the party … Read more
Confused by all the online tools analysing which party you align with best? Don’t worry, Hayden Donnell is here to help. With the general election only eight weeks away, New Zealand is suddenly drowning in quizzes. Everywhere you turn on the ‘net, there’s a new web exam testing your opinion on everything from Auckland housing … Read more
Three years ago today Dirty Politics was published, lighting the fuse on an extraordinary election campaign. Hayden Donnell looks into what the cast of Nicky Hager’s book have been up to since. It seems impossible, but there was a time when politics was even worse than it is now. Today our most fractious political debate … Read more
National has released its $2.6 billion dollar plan to fix Auckland’s traffic Armageddon. Hayden Donnell clutches his head and screams into the void over it leaving the single most obviously popular and important transport project for the city off its funding list. National had to rush out its plan to fix Auckland’s transport on Thursday … Read more
Patrick Gower has slammed Metiria Turei for trying to ‘get attention’ and ‘win votes’ just ‘eight weeks out from an election’. Hayden Donnell lifts the lid on just how deep this rabbit hole goes. Most of the people criticising Metiria Turei for committing benefit fraud have been white, middle-aged men angry at the idea of … Read more
Winston Peters battled Duncan Garner to the death in a live TV interview this week. Spinoff body language expert Hayden Donnell scoured the footage for hidden secrets. It’s been eight long months since the last installment of the New Zealand Herald’s groundbreaking interview series with body language expert Suzanne Masefield. In the series, Masefield revealed … Read more
You’ll never believe it, but the election race is heating up and people are fighting over whether the NZ First leader has made racist statements. Hayden Donnell comes out in Winston’s defence. The hottest debate in New Zealand politics right now is one we could never – not in a million years – have seen … Read more
It’s just been a very bad start to the week from the government when it comes to statements on transport and housing, weeps Hayden Donnell. National has a long and proud tradition of being wrong about everything when it comes to Auckland. Its ministers have consistently had to be dragged screaming out of the 18th … Read more
Yesterday Newsroom posted a scoop on Todd Barclay’s weird, possibly illegal recordings of one of his former employees. Hayden Donnell keeps track of all the falsehoods unfurling out of the story. I went to sleep in London just after Newsroom broke its story about Todd Barclay, his secret recordings of a staff member, and the apparent … Read more
This morning Radio NZ reported Colin Craig was launching legal action against his former press secretary Rachel MacGregor – though Craig says he used to want to do that but doesn’t anymore. Hayden Donnell responds to the news with his honest opinion. Case law in New Zealand is clear: honest opinion is a defence against … Read more
Wait, Jeremy Corbyn could actually become the prime minister? How might the Labour Party in New Zealand copy its British counterpart and lessen the electoral despair, asks Hayden Donnell in a dispatch from somewhere or other in the UK Read more: Grant Robertson, Judith Collins, Jacinda Ardern, Metiria Turei, Jim Anderton and more on what … Read more
All evidence points to one hard fact: it is incredibly improbable that you will remain alive. Hayden Donnell recommends either signing up for life insurance or fleeing to an apocalypse bunker this very minute. Are you reading this? Congratulations. Somehow you’re not dead. Good luck keeping it that way. Right now 11 major organ systems … Read more
Who invented Kiwi Onion Dip, and why isn’t there a gold statue of that person on top of Mt Cook? Hayden Donnell goes on a wildly emotional search for an unheralded New Zealand genius, the inspiration for his Get It To Te Papa series The woman on the other end of the phone line sounded … Read more
The Labour Party has been accused of internal bickering and crisis-level disunity this week. Hayden Donnell sets the record straight. Look, there’s no denying it’s been a bumpy week for Labour. After RadioLive maestro Willie Jackson was lured into the party with a promise of a high list spot at the 2017 General Election, web sleuths … Read more
People keep saying The Path is a TV show about Scientology. Hayden Donnell sets out to demolish these false prophets and their suppressive allegations. Last weekend I snuck into Scientology’s new headquarters in Auckland. During my two hours inside, I was infused with new depths of knowledge about the perils of psychiatry, the drugs enslaving us … Read more
The Church of Scientology opened a new $16 million headquarters in Auckland on Saturday. Hayden Donnell glides excitedly into the ceremony. Guy Williams had just been kicked out of Auckland’s new Scientology Centre when I walked in. He’d turned up with his brother Paul, who’d dressed up as the beautiful and talented Scientologist, Tom Cruise. … Read more
Knight of the Realm Sir Bob Jones rose from his crypt yesterday and immediately yelled the first racist thing that came to mind. Hayden Donnell asks why we keep enabling this sad bully. The mummified remains of Bob Jones spluttered to life yesterday, coughing up dust and cat fur and dialling into Newstalk ZB. Jones … Read more
New Zealand television icon Thingee made a shock TV comeback during the cricket on Sunday. Hayden Donnell spoke to our most famous expat extraterrestrial about whether this could pave the way for a reunion with his old friend Jason Gunn. People tuning into the cricket on Sunday would’ve expected to be rewarded with some slow, … Read more
A prominent Auckland property investor has told the NZ Herald that “being a landlord is like being at war”. Hayden Donnell tests his theory. Every day Peter Lewis wakes up, drives an unconscionable distance and begins scouring people’s houses for meth, dog droppings, and other “contraband”. The Auckland Property Investors Association vice-president made that surprise … Read more
World Rugby recently introduced new tackle ball laws, and everyone’s arguing about whether they’re good or bad. Hayden Donnell attempts to settle the debate with a binding legal judgement. One of the greatest things about rugby is being allowed to assault people without going to jail. Every rugby field is a 100m-long amnesty zone where … Read more
No-one knows who they are in the ‘real world’, but the members of Viva La Dirt League are famous in the only place it counts: the Internet. They tell Hayden Donnell how to walk their path to success. Until six months ago, Alan Morrison, Rowan Bettjeman and Adam King were just workaday losers like you … Read more
Hayden Donnell identified the people who did well, and the ones who got massively owned, in the Auckland local elections. Originally published October 8, 2016 Winners Chlöe “22” Swarbrick Chlöe Swarbrick, whose campaign cost roughly the same as the Goff campaign’s cheese budget, came third with nearly 27,000 votes. Despite being a complete political novice, Swarbrick … Read more
Ever noticed that every summer news story is recycled from previous years? Former sadsack reporter Hayden Donnell designs a drinking game to improve, or at least anaesthetise, your holiday news reading experience. Soon everything will stop happening. The holidays will arrive in a blissful swirl of sunshine. Politics will retreat into its sooty tomb. Gareth … Read more
What do you see when you look at the Canterbury logo? If you’re one of the estimated 50% of New Zealanders who are oblivious to its true meaning, sit down, take a deep breath, and prepare to have your world turned upside down. Hayden Donnell reports. You’ve probably looked at the Canterbury logo thousands of … Read more
Dave Baxter, the man behind ‘Love Love Love‘, recently won a large payout from his former manager Matt Coleman. Hayden Donnell gleans some key findings from the judgment – and explains why Baxter may still never receive what he’s owed. About a month ago, Matthew Coleman, one of New Zealand’s leading music managers (and 2010 … Read more
John Key’s shock resignation has spawned a cottage industry for pundits convinced they alone know the hidden reason for his decision. Hayden Donnell ranks their theories. Even in his final speech, John Key was relatable. At the press conference following his resignation yesterday, he explained to media that he simply had “nothing left in the … Read more